1) Start making realistic resolutions.

2) Lose 5 pounds in January, gain 20 the rest of the year.

3) Talk to a girl. Either online or after …

1) End the War in Ukraine. I think people would like that.

2) Learn some negotiating skills. Not so much how to talk a terrorist out of killing innocent civilians, but more so how to talk a 2-year-old out of touching my iPhone.

3) Stop inflation. I think people would like that, too. Especially old people who have all their savings in cash.

1. God damn, Ai Shinozaki is hot. Try to get her to like you.

2. Wake up. Start by helping find a pronoun for ‘dudes & chicks who feel like chicks & dudes’ that isn’t already an existing pronoun with a meaning that is not that. Perhaps “pe”?

3. Learn the drums.

4. If you read one more sentence of this, I will punch you in the cunt…

Let’s make 2021 the Year of Stops & Starts

Here’s mine:

1) Stop donating blood to try to fool people into thinking that I’m a good person and Start donating blood cause it makes it super easy to get drunk super fast.

2) Stop working for the man and Start my own business.

1) Learn how to remove a human kidney. I can’t freakin’ wait to see the look on mom’s face when she wakes up in a tub of ice and sees that letter about calling 911 and stuff. It’s gonna be priceless.

2) Learn photoshop so I can smear poop mustaches on photos of shitbag celebrities and post them on Facebook. Your day of reckoning is near, Daniel Day Lewis! You shitbag.