2020 New Year’s Resolutions
/1) Learn how to remove a human kidney. I can’t freakin’ wait to see the look on mom’s face when she wakes up in a tub of ice and sees that letter about calling 911 and stuff. It’s gonna be priceless.
2) Learn photoshop so I can smear poop mustaches on photos of shitbag celebrities and post them on Facebook. Your day of reckoning is near, Daniel Day Lewis! You shitbag.
Keep smiling, Daniel Day Lewis. That poop smear mustache is coming soon. The Year of the Rat is mine, you shitbag!
3 ) Branch out into new writing genres. Like fucking poetry, bro. Partially to express your abstract creativity, but more partially to increase the range of ladies that you might be able to nail. Something like this should do the trick.
The oxygen I breathe looks at me sideways,
lips curled in an indignant snarl;
Criticizing critics is fire for the fuel.
The heart that pumps life through my carcass
drives a needle through my eyeball;
A midday slumber interrupted.
The liver that purifies my being
laces my drink with cyanide;
It’s hard to breathe.
4) Stop calling her ‘bukkake champion of the world,’ and start calling her ‘mom.’
5) It’s time to become a seriously good person. Let’s make this the year of zero-waste. Start by pooping not into a toilet, but onto a plate.
6) Whenever you feel ticked off, instead of taking it out on a stray dog or an unsupervised child, stockpile that anger in that black place in your heart that we don’t talk about. Then, toward the end of the year, when there’s no holding it back, detonate it like a nuclear bomb. When the timing is just right. When the killing is free. On Halloween. It’s so easy and so satisfying. I’m talking about giving regular-size Snickers to gobs and gobs of little kids. Nothing relieves stress like selfless acts of extravagant giving.
These last and without a doubt most important resolutions fall under the category of “You’re gonna feel so fucking stupid in like 5 fucking years.”
7) Kick the NFL in the nuts; because fining someone for smoking marijuana is like fining someone for drinking a wine cooler. I don’t think further explanation is needed, but the NFL is so fucking stupid. Alcohol used to be illegal. How stupid would it be for you to suspend someone now for drinking a six-pack? The exact same thing applies to marijuana, which is ridiculously less damaging than alcohol in any respect you can think of. This comes from someone who’s sole source of pleasure is booze and who only smokes marijuana occasionally because he thought the 1985 movie Friday was “dope.”
8) Bitch-slap every government everywhere in their dumb face for not legalizing, regulating, and taxing all drugs, and not properly educating every single one of us about the pros, cons, and appropriate use levels of all of them. When you look back and see all the wanton, needless damage the black markets that you inadvertently created have caused, you’re gonna have egg all over your face. And hopefully some semen.
Bonus Resolution:
Bitch-slap Trump in the face for being so disdainful of fat women yet being a fat woman himself. No offense, fat women.
Trump is a douche. But we can all learn from him. It’s okay to lie, as long as it’s in order to get what you want.
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