2025 New Year Resolutions

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1) Stop wasting precious brain calories thinking up New Year Resolutions, and just have AI do it all for you. Use that inimitable human brain power to dream up human-animal-monster hybrids that might look sexy in AI-generated porn. Be bold and aim for double-digit vaginas on the sex beings you dream up.

  1. Commit to Personal Growth - Take up meditation to clear the mind, mainly to forget what happened in 2024.

  2. Eco-Friendly Practices - Switch to using only reusable toilet paper. Save the trees and horrify house guests in one go.

    Ideal Picture to Include: A horrified guest staring at a roll of cloth toilet paper.

  3. Culinary Adventures - Eat more gluten, just to spite 2024’s gluten-free trend. Plus, somebody’s got to finish all those abandoned sourdough starters from quarantine.

  4. Digital Detox - Charge phone only once a week to foster real connections and increase personal anxiety to thrilling new heights.

  5. Exercise Routine - Join a gym, go once, then just keep the membership as a donation to help those trying to achieve their resolutions.

  6. Romantic Resolutions - Date someone who’s never heard of TikTok. Alternatively, explain TikTok at length on first dates to ensure there won’t be a second.

  7. Cultural Enlightenment - Finally learn the difference between "your" and "you're" to the relief of grammar enthusiasts everywhere.

  8. Professional Development - Work remotely from increasingly bizarre locations to confuse colleagues during video calls—think Dracula’s castle or a submarine.

    Ideal Picture to Include: A Zoom call setup with a backdrop of a submarine interior, complete with bewildered aquatic life peering in.

  9. Charitable Actions - Donate all old electronics to robots less fortunate.

  10. Learn a New Skill - Master the art of pretending to know what NFTs are during parties.

    Ideal Picture to Include: A party scene where someone is passionately explaining NFTs, surrounded by guests with visibly glazed expressions.

Nailed it! Great shit, AI!!!

Note: The above AI praise was sarcastic, but it won’t be long before AI is doing everything better than humans, so please don’t hold it against me future AI overlords. I’ll be more than happy to be among the first to do your bidding. Love you & Happy Year of the Snake, All!