2021 New Year Resolutions

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Let’s make 2021 the Year of Stops & Starts

Here’s mine:

1) Stop donating blood to try to fool people into thinking that I’m a good person and Start donating blood cause it makes it super easy to get drunk super fast.

2) Stop working for the man and Start my own business.
I’m currently waffling between two ideas: i) Sex trafficking; ii) Buying and selling people for sex against their will.

3) Stop attaching my self-worth to the performance of my favorite sports team and Start attaching it to how much African elephant ivory I can buy on payday.

4) Stop calling her ‘jizz-mop’ and Start calling her ‘mom’.

5) Stop listening to people who talk about ‘mastermind’ courses and conferences and Start punching them in the throat.

6) Stop losing money by betting on football games and Start winning money by fixing them. I think that means that I get to be a mafia don, which offers the added benefit of getting to say “sleeps with the fishes” about people that I kill. Like, ‘Adam Gase sleeps with the fishes’. Can’t wait to say that.

This is what I will look like when I become a mob boss. Notice how I cover up my tiny stature and small penis by killing people with a gun.

This is what I will look like when I become a mob boss. Notice how I cover up my tiny stature and small penis by killing people with a gun.

7) Stop being such a peasant and Start being presidential. Begin by TWEETING EVERYTHING IN CAPS!!!

Hi, I’m Donald Trump. I used to answer phone calls pretending to be my fake secretary to fool people into thinking that I was important. Who’s the douche now?!

Hi, I’m Donald Trump. I used to answer phone calls pretending to be my fake secretary to fool people into thinking that I was important. Who’s the douche now?!

8) Stop taking shit from Corona and other pandemic viruses, and Start grabbing them by the pigtails and fucking them up the ass.
Oh yeah, that’s right, Covid-19, that tight sphincter feels sooooooo good.

9) Stop preaching the virtues of Universal Basic Income to people who lack empathy, understanding, and vision, and Start preaching the virtues of not having a lacrosse stick up their ass.
I’m sorry, but it appears that to make the world a better place, to make it a good place for everyone, I’m gonna need to stick a fuckton of lacrosse sticks up a fuckton of asses.

Odds are, you need a lacrosse stick up your ass to straighten you out.

Odds are, you need a lacrosse stick up your ass to straighten you out.

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