Guest Post: Why I Hate Attractive People by Dr. B.J. Love
/***Below is another guest post from the esteemed Dr. B.J. Love. Enjoy!***
Author: Dr. B.J. Love, Ph.D., M.D., J.D., M.B.A
Distinguished Professor of Ethics and Moral Philosophy
Shibuya Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT)
Disclaimer: The following is 100% satire. Nothing more. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t cancel me. I’m not a bad person, really. I just want money.
OPINION:
Why I Hate Attractive People, and Why You Should Too.
This article has two sections, separated for audience:
If you are ugly, read the section called “I’M UGLY”, you dirty ugly pig and skip Section 2.
If you are attractive, please skip Section 1 and jump to Section 2, you beautiful DNA superstar!
Section 1: “I’M UGLY”
Well, I figured you’d probably end up here. And I use the word “probably” in a precise mathematical sense: greater than 50%. There is a greater than 50% chance that you are ugly. I’m right there with you.
Attractive people are favored by:
Babies, Judges, Co-Workers, Animals, AI Face Recognition Algorithms, Baby Animals, Ugly People, Ugly Animals, Attractive People, Attractive Babies, Ugly Face Recognition Algorithms, Ugly Babies, Attractive Baby Judges.
“C’mon man! It’s a stacked deck man!”
They seriously have everything in their favor. They earn more than us, they fuck more than us, they orgasm more than us. They receive less punishment for the same crime. They poop less than us. Their DNA is sparkly and colorful like the pictures with the double helix (helix means spiral). Their bodies are formed by perfectly hexagonal shaped tilings of cells, arranged by the trillions, working together like little terminators to taunt and subjugate us ugly folk.
Sample photo of an attractive person.
You should know though that, while it seems rough now, you probably would have been attractive thousands of years ago. You see, only attractive animals fuck and make babies, so your parents were at the very least attractive to find and ram each other hard. Like 16 gigabytes of RAM YEAH MAN RAM IT HARD 16 GIGABYTES IN THERE DEEP INSIDE!!! Or like rams, the aggressive fluffy animals, whichever metaphor you identify with. Your dad was like a particle accelerator in Geneva, Switzerland: The Large Hardon Collider. And so were your grandparents. And their parents, and every other animal ancestor before you for 4 billion years. In some religious circles, the great progenitor of mankind is in fact some guy named “Sperminator Adam” and in every picture I’ve seen of him, he is just a disgusting obese slob. Since at each generation only the attractive people replicate, we’ve become more beautiful over time.
Sperminator Adam was the most attractive man of his time. Here he is in a History Channel documentary discussing how contact lenses changed his life.
Nowadays though, with technology and shit, it’s no longer just about the “good looking” person. Some modern people claim it’s about personality and money and intelligence, but those people are completely fucking wrong. Some misguided dickhead once said that attractiveness is symmetry. What a fucknut. He was probably a symmetrically ugly fuckjob.
“C’mon man! It’s just symmetry man!”
No, no, no. I have studied humans and other great apes for, literally, hundreds of years, and all evidence points to the idea that it’s not about any of that: it’s actually just about ass-plumpness. Like, literally, how big and how much your ass deflects when pushed by a finger or other measuring probe. For you engineers out there, it’s all about the “spring constant” of your ass. If I push with 1 Newton of force, and your ass deforms one centimeter, congratulations: you are the 1%. The spring constant gets you sprung. There was one prescient guy named Dr. Hooke from the 1600s who knew this and he took measurements of the asses of his time and he made it the law: (Wikipedia: Hooke’s Law of Asses). Dr. Hooky got lots of nooky.
Robert “Bob” Hooke: “Don’t break the law. I’ll bust yo ass muthafucka.”
Anyways… now I’m not a doctor, but I think you gotta be careful though: not plump enough and your guts might fall out of your asshole; too plump and then you start falling off chairs and other bad shit.
To sum up, there are more reasons to despise attractive people than there are digits in pi, including the fact that their beauty literally and figuratively oppresses us, and because while we may be eyesores on the outside, they’re as ugly as hairless cats with vomit and diarrhea all over they’re hairless faces on the inside. Fuck those guys.
Section 2: You beautiful DNA superstar!
<Section not needed as everybody reading John Box's blog is probably ugly>