Guest Post: Dear government, let’s cut the shit. Can we just start making pleasure-drugs already?

Below is our first ever guest post. While our special guest kicks it off by kowtowing to cancel culture, which incidentally is in dire need of a thousand kicks to the cunt, once you get past it, there’s plenty of goodness to enjoy. Like to hear it, here it goes:

Author: Dr. B.J. Love, Ph.D., M.D., J.D., M.B.A
Distinguished Professor of Ethics and Moral Philosophy
Shibuya Higher Institute of Technology (SHIT)

Disclaimer: The following is 100% satire. Nothing more. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t cancel me. I’m not a bad person, really. I just want money.

OPINION:

Dear government, let’s cut the shit. Can we just start making pleasure-drugs already?

The government’s main job, as Thomas Jefferson probably knew, is to provide us a pathway to eternal pleasure. By that, I mean, we need drugs. I am not talking about weak sauce like cocaine or heroin and shit. I’m talking about not-yet-developed ultra hyper pleasure-drugs with no side effects other than possibly incessant orgasming and an acute feeling of exultation.

Skeptical? Well then this article is for you. Read on brutha’.

While science does not yet fully understand the physical basis of consciousness, there is no evidence to suggest that there is anything extraphysical like god (LOL) involved. Most brains are just composed of neurons and shit, with some fat thrown in there to lube the muthafucka down. And the electrochemical activity inside that fat-bizzatch is what gives us our sense of existing and feeling. We may literally be a blob of matter in a laboratory somewhere. We may just be stimulated into perceiving that we have a body and mind, and that we have to go work for some asshole to get money. And our brains are motivated to get money so we can get food for calories so we can sing karaoke with strangers and take them home to fuck and make babies and shit. Why do we do these things? We do it because it gives our brains happiness! That is our goal.

Sports: Before (left) and after (right) pleasure-drugs.

By the way I don’t actually know anything about soccer. I’m just using soccer here because apparently lots of people watch it worldwide, and I’m trying to increase the pool of people that will read this column, like it, and send me money.

So, let’s summarize at this point. The goal is to be happy. Happy is a physical state in our brain. The inescapable conclusion is therefore, the ultimate goal of humanity should be to manipulate our brains (chemically, electrically, mechanically, whatever), to maximize pleasure.

For the math inclined, this becomes:

Maximize:

I’m a doctor so I use fancy math. 

We should immediately divert all of humanity’s resources to the development of pleasure technologies and shit. Don’t half-ass this now (Mr. President I’m lookin’ at you!) I mean literally stop funding everything except this. There should be no university majors except pharmacology and neuroscience. We must pump trillions and trillions of dollars into it every single day, otherwise we are literally wasting everyone’s time. Hurry up and get those drugs made and fucking pump that shit through our brains quick. It is the most straight-forward way to save ourselves from this shithole universe, and bring ourselves into a new, non-shitholic, beautiful universe. A “shitless beauniverse” or something.

As an aside, note I specifically included the term “technology” (not just drugs) because it may not be only a chemical drug. Some sort of small robot, like a “micro machine” might work too. The pleasure-bots will swim around our brains to the appropriate neurons, and zap or poke them to elicit the appropriate pleasure experience. Like a bull poking a cow. Or perhaps it might come in the form of an external wearable helmet. Maybe before you put it on, you could draw your favorite logo on the helmet. Look I don’t know man, I’m just throwin’ out ideas here.

Here are some common arguments that the assholes conjure up, along with how you should respond. I recommend that you respond exactly as written. If you try to adlib, you will probably fuck up, misspeak, and set the movement back, like a conceited dickhead.

Asshole Guy 1: “Hey don’t defund the humanities! I like the museum. It makes me happy in my brain.”
Your response: Bro, listen to me bro. Fuckface bro. Can I call you fuckface bro? The pleasure tech will adjust your brain so it’ll be like you’re humping the sexy artwork in the museum while enjoying your favorite ice cream at the same time, and you won’t even have to pay the price of admission.

Asshole Guy 2: “Sometimes you need to suffer for happiness!” or “I’m a cunt! I like pain!!!!”
Your response: You foolish dumb bitch. Why are you such a foolish dumb bitch? Even if, as you say, you like pain, the reason is because feeling the pain creates pleasure in your brain! That is what the word “like” means. The pleasure drug will work for you too. Foolish dumb bitch.

Asshole Guy 3: “But it’s not real!!!!”
Your response: You shit-eating Sasquatch! Listen to me closely: The thought of “it’s not real!!!!” is also just a state in your brain. Neurons in your brain are firing in a manner to create an “it’s not real” feeling. Of course, the drug can change this too, so you feel that it is all real. BOOOM! OWNED!!!

There may be other objections grounded in ignorant dumbfuckery that people bring up, but your answer should always return to the main point: “Once the drugs fix your brain, you won’t care.”

Transportation: Before (left) and after (right) pleasure-drugs.

By the way I don’t actually know anything about transportation. I never leave my house. I’m just slaving away at my desk writing columns, hoping you’ll like them and send me money.

In closing, I leave you with a thought experiment:

Let’s say you go on to live a totally awesome life. You never have to work, and you’re out partying and karaoke-ing with the hotties and shit for decades, you have like 100 kids and 10000 grandkids, and 1 million great-grandkids that are all good at singing and sports and valedictorians and shit. In your old age you go off to some lodge where you’re being fed your favorite food (beavers or fried rabbit or whatever the fuck you like) all day, and just having fun watching football and getting handjobs on demand. Finally, one day when you’re like 90 you figure your kinda gonna die, but it’s all good. You had a great life, and you’re just kinda chillin’ on your death bed watching your favorite pornos and boozing away, with your old buddies comin’ by to high five you every hour.
Then just before you die a guy in a doctor suit comes in and says “Hey man, I know you had a fucking awesome life, but I have to tell you: When you were around 20, you got on the pleasure drugs, and so this was all just fucking neurons firing in your brain bro. You don’t remember that because the pleasure drugs erased your memory of actually having taken the pleasure drugs.”

Would you be like “ahhhhhh fuck mann!!!!! WHYYY!!!!! That sucks broooo!!! My life was a lieeeee!!!”

Or would you calmly be like, “<fist bump> Thanks dawg, them pleasure drugs be the shiznit. <wink>” ?

And obviously in reality, there wouldn’t even be the hypothetical man in the doctor suit coming to talk to you; you wouldn’t even know anything about it. Win win win win win. So much fucking winning.

If you care about your country, if you care about the children, if you care about humanity: the solution is clear. The ultimate future of mankind is drugs. Let’s get on it!