The Problem with the 10 Commandments

They’re not very realistic.

Even the one about not killing. I’ll assume that God only means not killing humans (surely animals don’t count as He enjoys sacrifices of them in His honor), but when you factor in militaries which we all support (through our representatives, taxes, and Veterans Days), then we all support killing, right? This makes it impossible to be a good patriot and a good Christian/Jew.

Anyhoo, below are some brief thoughts, commandment by commandment.

1. I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any strange gods before Me.

So you’re admitting that there are other Gods? Nice. How about a book about them? You’ll still be our #1, but I’d love to hear what the others are up to.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

God damn has this had the opposite effect. People take Your & Jesus’s name in vain all the time. You should prolly retract this guy if you want us pointlessly defiant humans to stop. But seriously, do You even care?

3. Remember to keep holy the Sabbath day.

This needs clarification. What constitutes keeping a day “holy”? Not working? Watching football? Working?

4. Honor thy father and mother.

This one seems fine. As long as dad’s not a diddler and mom’s not a nag. I’ll trust You to take care of that for everyone.

5. Thou shalt not kill.

As mentioned already, this is kinda tough on countries with militaries. Is killing in the name of your country okay? If not, a lot of people down here are gonna have to stop worshiping flags and start worshiping non-violence. Those people are prolly then gonna get mowed down by a country that hasn’t stopped.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

I really like this one. The innocent idealism behind it is absolutely adorable. It’s not all that realistic, but it’s adorable. Kudos to couples who are able to adhere to it as it seems best for all involved. Provided it goes hand in hand with a happy marriage. Actually, I take those kudos back. If everyone involved is happy and in love, not committing adultery is not even close to a feat, it’s the easiest possible thing to do in the world. Committing adultery in that case would be ludicrous. So no props to anyone.

7. Thou shalt not steal.

No snarky remark here. This one seems 100% legit. A lot of people do it, especially when young or impoverished, but I don’t think that anyone ever feels good about it.

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Everyone says that this means no lying. Which is ridiculous cause everyone lies. And very often for good. But if Your intention here is to not lie when testifying about your neighbor, I think we should be able to do that.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife.

Oh, c’mon. If she’s hot, there’s gonna be a whole lot of coveting. Don’t make a bunch of natural coveters and tell them not to covet. Ridiculous!

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods.

Like #9, this is not really for us to control. Especially, when my neighbor’s got a jacuzzi, a virtual reality setup, and a man cave decorated with autographed jerseys of the greatest NY Giants ever. We don’t covet cause we wanna covet, we covet cause that shit is awesome.

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