Notes to Willy; (a.k.a Hamlet is Overrated, Illogical, and All Around Sucky)

I finally read Hamlet (the CliffsComplete version with explanations and commentary of course), and given its reputation and the fact that it has been produced in something like 700 different countries and 48,000 different languages, I was shocked by how not-good it is.

If Shakespeare was an unknown entity and he sent the manuscript to a developmental editor today, this is the feedback he would receive:

Dear Mr. Shakespeare,

Thank you for submitting your play entitled, Hamlet. While it’s not very good, it’s not terrible. For a first draft, anyway. Once we’ve removed a few malignant tumors and infused some sense, you’ll be well on your way to mediocrity!

Let’s begin with the “To Be or Not To Be” soliloquy by your protagonist, Prince Hamlet. What exactly are you going for? Is the soliloquy about Hamlet committing suicide himself? If so, it’s completely out of nowhere. He’s just devised a plan to catch the King kinda admitting to murdering his father so that he can exact his revenge without reservation, and then all of a sudden he’s talking about killing himself? What? Why? Who? Huh?!

Next, is Hamlet retarded? Throughout the story, you imply that he is very intelligent, yet he does a lot of things that make no sense at all. Including his strategy of acting mad, a major plot point, so that he can kill the King. What the hell is the logic behind this strategy? All it does is attract attention and make the King suspicious that he’s out to get him. Just a really really dumb strategy for someone who is supposed to be really really smart. Frankly, I think it’s just an excuse for you to write mad dialogue, which would be great if it made sense story-wise and wasn’t so forced. As it is, it’s completely asinine, and will surely be criticized by everyone as hack story-telling.

Along the same line about Spamlet being retarded, why can’t he tell the difference between his uncle’s voice & Polonius’ voice? Does every male sound the same to him? If they do, it’s probably not a good idea to stab people based on the sound of their voice because you have literally no idea who it is.

Moving along, what’s the deal with the ghost? You need to make up your mind. Is it a thing or not? Why can Hamlet and Horatio and the guards see it, but Hamlet’s mom, the Queen, can’t? If that’s intentional, you need a reason for it, and you need to inform the audience what that reason is. They’re not gonna put up with random inconsistencies. They’re gonna get pissed, and start booing and throwing rotten food at you.

Next, let’s get back to your affinity for plot points lacking logic. After Spamlet kills Polonius, instead of locking him up, the King decides to send him away, which actually makes it way more difficult and convoluted to get rid of him. The murder is the perfect opportunity for the King to put him behind bars for good. And yet you have the King say that he can’t do so because his mother and the people love him so much. That makes no sense. Once you kill someone, even your mother understands that you need to be locked up. Especially when the reason you have done so is because they were hiding behind a curtain. And once you tell the people what he’s done, of course they’ll turn on Spamlet. It’s just like in the States where once all those morally upright Christians learned about all of Donald Trump’s pussy-grabbing, they of course withdrew their support of him. Okay, bad example. You may have a point that the people still may have sided with Spamlet.

Finally, for now, the play ends with a flurry of head-scratching what-the-fucks.

Why is Spamlet so bewildered by Laertes’ anger at him during their encounter toward the end? You killed his dad, Spamlet. Of course he’s gonna be pissed at you.

At the end, why is Spamlet such a pussy in his apology to Laertes for killing his father, saying that it was his madness that did it? If he’s such a righteous man of the people, why doesn’t he man up and apologize for the murder he haphazardly committed and made light of afterward? God damn, that Spamlet is such an unlikeable character.

Once they’re both dying, why does Laertes forgive Spamlet? Why does he go so far as to call him “noble”? That makes no sense at all.

Why does Spamlet on his deathbed fork over all of Denmark to Norway? Does that sound like something a man of the people would do? Give away the country to a foreign power? To your enemy? What the fuck, Willy? Could you put a little foresight into this stuff when you’re writing? Puns are only gonna be popular for so long, and then what are you left with?!

There is just so much stuff in this story that makes no sense at all. It’s mind boggling. And there’s so much that’s just lazy writing. Lazy. Lazy. Lazy. Are you seriously gonna have the Queen just pick up a glass of poisoned wine out of nowhere and drink it for no reason? Are you seriously gonna have Spamlet and Laertes somehow exchange weapons during the duel so that they both get struck by the poisoned blade? Why not just end the play with a Jedi mind trick. Have Hamlet wave his fingers in front of the crowd and say, You all just watched the best play ever and I make total sense as a character and am not retarded at all.

In closing, while there’s a bunch more crap that needs serious fixing, start by correcting the above garbage and get back to us when you have something at least resembling coherent plotting. Or don’t. Don’t feel like you need to put this play out there. Forcing shit is never good.

***For notifications of new Great White Host blog posts & pee-your-pants awesome promos, sign up to Box’s Bullet, my monthly e-newsletter, via the sign-up box in the sidebar. It’s probably located below on smartphones.***