6-8 Folk We Need More of in Japan

1) Hilarious English on T-Shirt Guy
You know what sucks about Japan? The more time goes by, the less T-shirts I see around here with bizarre and/or inappropriate English on them. Back in the day, there were all kinds. You used to see family men playing in the park with their kids sporting a shirt saying “Alcoholic” or an old man on the train wearing one saying “I feel happiness when I eat a nose rice” or stroll by an elementary school and see kids with shirts saying “wishes do girls,” “try my delicious salt beef,” and “too drunk to fuck.” Now all we get is “Giorgio Armani.” Not funny at all.

2) Sumo Rikishi
In a culture not shy about mocking the overweight at any opportunity (mainly by making sure that chubby characters on TV are constantly eating or chugging something, or at least thinking about food out loud), what could be cooler than the chubbiest of them all stripping down to a loincloth to battle it out with their similarly endowed foe in front of the entire nation. And to not only battle with strength, speed, and skill, but to fight with pride, honor, and not the least hint of self-consciousness. Sumo rikishi rule.

3) Passed out Salarymen
There are plenty of these, but we could always use more. Like the dude passed out on his knees in the middle of a train, back arched fully, head resting on the seat.

Or the dude passed out standing up at the top of an escalator, leaning against the wall, briefcase tucked neatly underneath him.

[Internet currently hiding picture from me cause it's being a dick.]

Or better still the dude passed out face up on the floor of a train, arms and legs outstretched, all of his clothes save his boxers and one sock strewn all around him.

These guys are heroes. We need more.

4) Stewarding Sempai
You have to love the sempai-kohai (senior-junior) system … if it works for you, that is. And the way to make it work for you is to fire bad sempai (I can’t see how that would be a problem) until you’re left with only good shepherds. Then it’s time to benefit from all their knowledge and generosity as they, 1) use their expertise to show you the ropes, where to buy similar ropes, and where to bury dead hookers tied up with all them ropes, 2) use their savings to treat you to dinners, kyaba-kura, and dead hooker burying seminars, and 3) use their unquestioned authority to get you out of spending time with your nagging wife, lame kids, and blackmailing baby mama. Everybody wins.

5) Kowtowing Kohai
Now that our stewarding sempai are in place, it’s time to take advantage of some obsequious underlings as they, 1) brownnose you with confidence-boosting compliments, 2) run errands and pay for karaoke, and 3) morph into verbal punching bags as you abuse them vocally to feel better about yourself. Everybody wins again. Some doubters out there may say, Why? How does it benefit the kohai? First of all, do you have the qualifications to question me?! Probably not. But regardless, in this case, we clearly have a kohai whose life is filled with who cares because he gets to bask in the glow of the eye-seeringly brilliant sunshine that radiates from me.

6) Japanese Comedians
I love these guys and girls and we need more of them. They’re the bright spot on an otherwise dreary TV lineup. And they’re proof that our sense of humor is more or less universal. Sure, you need to understand popular references to understand a lot of humor, but the foundation is the same the world over. One of my favorite types of humor is the self-deprecating style, and the Japanese excel at this. They constantly highlight their shortcomings to the delight of the audience in effect turning them into strengths. Witness the debu (fatty), busu (ug-mug), and baka (idiot) among others. And they know how to utilize the polar opposite, another favorite of mine, the irrationally arrogant and outrageously narcissistic. For a good example of this, see the rare TV gem, Unubore Deka.

7) Fedora Haters
Haters are gonna hate. Usually, that’s a bad thing. But when it comes to hating horrible hats on horrible people, it’s a good thing. And the smaller the fashion hat, the more the hate. Why is it okay to hate them ruthlessly? Because when they wake up every morning, they say to themselves, “What accessory can I put on to make people think I’m cool. Hmmmm. Got it. This hat that was cool in the US in the 50s. That’s what will make everyone look at me and think I’m cool.” Whether they’re saying it out loud or it’s they’re subconscious talking, they’re saying it. And what is more try-hard than a ‘fashionable’ hat to appeal to the outside world. Clearly, we need more folks here shooting eye-daggers at these douches.

8) The Totally Gets It Gaijin
The foreigner who comes over here and sees a 12-year-old idol in a bikini licking a blow pop and says, “That's nice. That's what we need back home. Nothing wrong with that at all.” I haven't seen this dude before but it would be an experience to meet him and he'd fit right in at a Grass on the Field concert in Akiha.

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