The Average American Male by Chad Kultgen - PPP

This book really sings. Actually, it raps. Like 2 Live Crew. In particular, “Me So Horny.” The following lyrics by Fresh Kid Ice would fit right in.

I won’t tell your mama if you don't tell your dad
I know he’ll be disgusted when he sees your pussy busted
Won’t your mama be so mad if she knew I got that ass?

One difference though is that the boys from 2 Live Crew show a little more respect to the ladies, generally referring to them as ‘girls.’ Whereas the nameless narrator of The Average American Male refers to them as ‘bitches.’

For instance, he comes across a ‘taller bitch with reddish hair,’ a ‘hippie-type bitch,’ and a ‘semi-hot bitch with a great ass and a pretty good cocksucking mouth.’

While I may not be the Average American Male, I try to be a little more reverential to our lovely counterparts, referring to them as ‘sex kittens.’

Anyhoo, it’s a little hard to find a plot to The Average American Male. It’s not so much a story as it is a journal. But it revolves around the narrator getting out of a loveless relationship and into a more passionate one, with complications arising in the process.

The narrator, who I guess is supposed to be the Average American Male, is crass, cruel, and explicit, making the book part off-color comedy, part graphic erotica, and part contemplation by Kultgen on what he supposes the Average American Male thinks and experiences.

I don’t think he’s got it quite right because in addition to referring to every female as ‘bitch,’ the mid-twenty-year-old narrator is so attractive that girls throw themselves at him at college parties without him saying or doing anything charming or of interest, is a skilled lover who never fails to give his partner an orgasm, is a ruthless assassin when breaking up with someone, and is a total drama queen.

Oh, and he beats off in his fiance’s shampoo and when later breaking up with her at a restaurant in front of her mother says, “Okay, I want to fuck twice a day minimum or at least have my dick sucked. I want you to swallow. I want to butt-fuck you every once in a while and I want you to like it.” And again, that’s at a restaurant in front of her mother.

I’m pretty sure the Average American Male has more in common with a roll of toilet paper than with the narrator.

But I think what Kultgen wants to get across is that the Average American Male thinks about sex almost all the time and will eventually settle down into an unfulfilling relationship because he believes there’s nothing better for him out there.

I agree with the former part, although when I see a girl that gets me all hot and bothered, I’m far less graphic in my carnal desire. Maybe I’m just not as creative as Kultgen’s Average American Male, but I’ve never looked at a girl and imagined “the cellulite on her ass and thighs rippling as I fuck her.”

I’m not sure about the latter part, but reluctantly settling down seems like the only characteristic Kultgen proposes that may actually ring true for the Average American Male.

Despite the book’s flaws, there are a smattering of little LOL’s and a couple relatively hearty LOL’s, plus Kultgen’s acknowledgments to his mother and father after the ending are pretty funny. But in order to enjoy the bits that got me, you need to enjoy Kultgen’s sense of humor which is sometimes cruel and sometimes crude, usually both. I do, to a degree. The jokes still needs to be clever, and they still need to be fresh, because the shock value wears off fast and the over-the-top fantasies quickly become run-of-the-mill.

Also, mean mean is not funny. Giving a girl with a hairlip the nickname Scarface is not humorous, it’s just plain hurtful. As you may know, I’m not a particularly sensitive guy, so coming from me, that probably means you’ve crossed the line.

Lastly, the ending leaves a lot to be desired. It doesn’t follow logically and seems very unrealistic. I think Kultgen forced it to try to prove his theory that the Average American Male is bound to settle for an unsatisfying relationship because he thinks there’s nothing better out there.

To sum up, if you like crude, cruel, graphic humor, you will love this book. For me, there were some kinda LOL’s and a couple decent LOL’s, but they failed to make up for the lack of plot, the almost droning monotony of explicit sex-fantasies, the forced ending, and Kultgen’s misconception of the Average American Male. There should be way less sex with hotties and way more awkward pick-up lines at dive bars leading to awkward silences leading to shameful, tail-between-the-legs retreats leading to drinking alone until dawn which finally gives way to puking in your toilet until dusk the next day.

3 pearls.

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Bonus conversation between narrator and his gay friend: “I just don’t get why she even went out with me in the first place.”
“Who the fuck knows? Women can be complete cunts. At least with guys you know they always go out with you to fuck you, plain and simple.”

Bonus quote that really captures the essence of this book: “Once again I notice her asshole smells like some kind of berry or melon and once again I enjoy it.”

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